Let there be Angst

(1) In the beginning the author read Let There be Write by Nancy Fulda and decided to write a blog entry.

(2) And the blog entry was without form, and void except for the editing features at the top of the WordPress ‘Write Post’ page. Which the author found annoying.

(3) And the author said, Let there be things in my day worth writing about! And there were none.

(4) And the author saw that her life was dull and meaningless. And she was sad.

(5) And then the author remembered that she had submitted many poems and needed to check her e-mail and so she saved the post as a draft. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

(6) And the author said Let there be replies, and let them divide the submitted and the trunked.

(7) And the author saw that there were no replies. And the evening and the morning were the second day.

(8) And the author said, let the e-mail program bring forth acceptances, or rejections. But mainly acceptances and it was not so. And the evening and the morning were the third day. Because it apparently took a long time for this author to check her e-mail and respond to its emptiness.

(9) And the author said, let me send out more poems. By snail mail. And she divided her poems into batches as the goddess Joanne Merriam had bade her. And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.

(10) And many more days passed.

(11) And the author said, let there be replies now. But there were none. And the evening and the morning were some other day.

(12) So the author suffered in the image of her failure and lonliness; more poems, created she them, and said unto them, be enticing, and good, and replenish my bank account, and bring me prestige and literary acclaim, for you are my greatest work. And then she remembered that they were poems and crossed ‘replenish my bank account’ from the list.

(13) And on the nth day, the author remembered her blog entry and checked her e-mail again but there was nothing and behold, she angsted.

Your Wedding Date is in 16 Weeks”

That was the message facing me in my inbox. For the past 5 years or so I have been stalked by WeddingChannel.com. It’s like I’ve joined a cult only no one bothered to brainwash me.

Freshman year of college I was friends with a girl who was quite anxiously awaiting a marriage proposal from her boyfriend. One night some other friends and I were browsing ring designs on adiamondisforever.com trying to pick out the ring that her boyfriend should buy her (it really is better for us to pick it out then conveniently e-mail him the acceptable designs) when we decided we should also pick out the perfect wedding dress. We went to weddingchannel.com, however, in order to look at anything, you had to be signed in. — wouldn’t create an account because she was afraid it’d be bad luck, so I volunteered. When creating an account though, you have to be engaged. And you have to give a wedding date. I always thought ‘May 21st’ sounded pretty and the next time that was going to be on a Saturday was in 2005. So boom, I had a wedding date and an account and we looked at dresses.

I forgot all about it, until the e-mails started coming. At first I thought it was funny, but after a while I got irritated and tried to delete my account. IT WOULDN’T LET ME! I spent a good half hour searching the site desperate for a “Fiancé eaten by shark, wedding canceled” option. Then after a while I got a new e-mail program that blocked the e-mails because it thought they were Spam and forgot all about it, again.

Until this one. 16 weeks. Damn, I have a lot of planning left to do for my non-existent wedding. I wonder what will happen after May 21st. Will it automatically sign me up for Babychannel.com in order to constantly remind me that my biological clock is ticking? How about tips on how to keep a marriage alive? I don’t forsee any problems with mine. I might get mad at myself and say things I don’t mean, but I always make it up to me eventually. Usually with chocolate. I spoil me, but I deserve it.