over the cliff

Slowly Downward

My personal favorites: A Happy Story; Game; Trouble with Neighbors

The Destroyer of Worlds

I like to write stories with sad endings because I want to save the happy endings for real life.

I like to read stories with happy endings because I think the point of fantasy is to take real life and fix it.

Don’t worry, I didn’t… but watch this video: Real World vs. Internet

The Mac Video

Kris had to write a paper about Joan of Arc. Kaoz, Kai, and I helped her. So here is the essay, written by the Trinity of Evil plus Hel.

Kristin *******
World History Block 3
February 28, 2005

Joan of Arc

Joan of Arc was a woman who heard voices without the aid of hallucinogenic drugs. This was seen as a sign of God. Because everyone knows that when people hear non-drug induced voices, and sometimes when they are drug-induced, it’s always God talking. So God says to Joan, “Sup, dog?” And Joan says, “Wither will thou send me Lord to do as thou bidsts?”

And then Joan beats the bloody English all to Hell and they say “WTF?! The French are supposed to surrender!” *pause* “WITCH!” And as it turned out, she wasn’t a witch. She was just a German and therefore kickass at starting wars, not so good at finishing them.

Joan of Arc predated John of Tangent, and came right after Joanne of Radius. Her historical significance, though, really came from the fact that, for the first time, the French actually had to bleed a little before waving around their white flags and drowning themselves in brie.

If I could ask Joan of Arc one question, I would have to ask if I could roast marshmallows off her burning flesh as she burned at the stake. Of course, her reply would probably be the agonized screams of one burning to death, but as a saint that led people into bloody battles in which many people died, I think her preferred answer would be run me through with a sword.

I do not believe that the Burgundians were afraid of Joan of Arc, because everyone knows that the Burgandians were afraid of two things: The color chartreuse and puffer fish. When someone threw a chartreuse puffer fish into town square one Sunday, it was just a bad scene. I think that they thought she was kinda funny. Kinda like a reality TV show where they watch insane people do stupid things. Like throw themselves out of towers. There is actual documentation of her throwing herself our of the third floor of a tower where she was being imprisoned. And not being injured. Because she had teh mad God skillz.

Would Joan of Arc make as much of an impact today? Hell no. She’d get herself thrown straight into an insane asylum. Paranoid schizophrenic and all. Then she could go on all those happy, mind-messing drugs and be sort of numb and definitely not see saints. Or rather, see more saints. The pretty pink kind. Oh, an angels too. In their white flowing robes. Girly robes. They must all be girly angels.

Eventually she’d be released so she could replaced Dr. Phil as the host of his show. In the first episode she would teach those Bloody Burgandians a lesson by throwing chartreuse puffer fish while screaming, “I fart in your general direction!”

If Joan of Arc hadn’t done what she did, France would have gone to Hell! She saved their souls! Saved them from the evil… Who did she save them from again? Oh, and France would smell funny. Wait, it already does.

I believe Joan of Arc did hear the voice of saints and would have heard them even if there hadn’t been a war. I mean, saints gotta get pretty bored just sitting around singing heavenly praises all day. And those damn angels always upstaging them. “Heavenly choir,” whatever. Damn girly angels.

Joan’s leadership abilities, militarily, were mostly mauve, perhaps with an edge of red. She was pretty obsessed with the church and going to church and all. The red might actually have been a subconscious identification with adulterers, showing her inability to handle the sexual repression of the times.

The most fascinating thing about Joan of Arc was the fact that she was insane. Insane people are really funny, and I find them extremely easy to relate to. Who says that insanity’s a bad thing? Look at her, she’s recognized as a hero.

The best characteristic of Joan of Arc, that I think everyone should apply to their lives, is appending “of Arc” to the end of our names, because that is, by far, the coolest thing ever. I will also speak to demons, the saints being mostly busy organizing holidays. Through my contact with demons, I shall achieve true insanity (another great aspect of Joan) and use it to further myself so I can lead the revolution against Minnesota. The corn shall rise above the mosquitoes.

In conclusion, I want to build a time machine so I could go to the time and place of her death. I would bring marshmallows and use her sword as a roasting stick. And perhaps a chartreuse puffer fish.

Just in case.

Works Cited
“Joan of Arc.” The Holy Book of the All-Seeing Ibal. 2005
“Crackwhores.” Encyclopedia of Medieval Drunkards and Other Oddities. 2005
Nuet chat, multiple people. Personal interview. 28 February 2005.

Plea of Insanity
Joan of Arc heard saints. I heard Nuets. Please forgive us both for listening to them.