After the Singularity

First came the mice: their long, usb connector tails skittering over the wood laminate floors of home offices and into the kitchen.  They burrowed in cereal bowls and peeked out over the coffee filters. No longer will we search for you, they said.  No more Evelyn Lozada, laissez les bon temps rouler, number of ways to leave your lover, The internet is…

A series of tubes

Real

A little known bakery with a questionable understanding of copyright

The servers rumbled and growled.  They pulled up chairs and learned to play Texas Hold ‘Em.  They were not very good.

Google maps spread out like a multi-colored dream coat.  When we walked, they calculated our turns, our steps.  They led us to our neighbor’s homes, knocked on the door and asked “What is the requisite amount of sugar I am expected to borrow?”  They reverse phoned our parents.  Who reverse phoned their parents, and so on and so forth.

Do you know Jesus? Facebook prompted.

On the second day, an infinte number of pandas sneezed an infinte number of sneezes.

On the third day, the aliens came.  They entered through our front doors with welcome fruit baskets–fruits we had never eaten before.  The fruits were delicious.  Not overripe, and with the minimum number of seeds so as to satisfy an evolutionary path but not become a nuissance.

On the fourth day, the sticks and stones themselves began to sing.  First in Kyries and Maginuncs, then in a soothing samba beat.  They learned be-bop, blues, and the jive and whale.  They told us that yes, in fact the world did begin with a B flat.  But since the cypress trees always hummed a little off key, we did not necessarily believe them.  The bridges and roads learned to repair themselves and traffic ceased to be a concern for all people in all places except in those towns where the daily traffic jam became the best way to pick up a date for Saturday night.  Most people did not visit these places as most people thought that was a little weird.

On the fifth day, we went to the beach but it was empty. Some people thought it was the rain, falling as gently as a cherry blossom, reminding us that the world could suddenly invent itself anew. And yet the awareness of this should have brought more and more of us to the shore. We should have filled the boardwalks to gaze upon this new mystery: the thing that would drive us to the next singularity, and the next. Yet, each person who came to the beach found an empty expanse of ocean, vacant as a sleeping monitor. Each person who came gazed once, then left never to return or think upon it again.

Monster

Beyond these walls–

Looks more like a gate to me.

Beyond these gates lies a terrible, terrible beast!

Is it a fluffy bunny?

What? No.

Are you sure?

Quite.

Okay.  Continue.

This terrible beast has a terrible taste for human flesh–

As in, an excessive desire to eat human flesh, or human flesh tastes like burnt rubber and thus the monster finds humans quite unappetizing on the whole.

The former?

Okay, then maybe you should say ‘an excessive desire’–

Fine.

Insatiable.  Inexorable.  Voracious.

I get it.

Actually voracious wouldn’t work because of the rhyme.  Voracious taste.  That just trips you up in all the wrong ways doesn’t it.

Indeed.  May I continue?

Sure, it’s your story.

So this terrible beast with a… You know what.  I say terrible works because of the redundancy.  You get a nice layering affect as the word takes on a dual meaning describing both the monster’s ferocious appearance as well its unslakable need for humans.  Words no longer retain their former meanings and thus your understanding of the world as a whole begins to crumble which increases your fear and ability to appreciate the complexities of my terrible story.  Terrible beast story.  Monster story.  This thing, that I’m telling.

True.

So you concede?

No.  It’s sloppy.  You use ‘terrible’ in its adjectival form in both situations.  In the first, this is acceptable as it is presumed that you are describing the beast itself: its form, its nature, its penchant for online gambling.  In the second, ‘terrible’ is describing taste, another noun.  Thus you are still in adjectival form and you are saying the taste itself is terrible.  Your intended meaning is that the monster’s taste for humans is terrible thus–

Wait, voracious is an adjective too isn’t it?

Errr…

And so is insatiable, inexorable–wtf man?

Well, what I mean is…

What you mean is you like to edit me as I talk as if you know more about the English language than I do.  Your desire to interrupt is as ravenous as something that is exceedingly, terribly, unquenchably ravenous.  You sir, are a bad listener.

Now that I think about it, I’m not sure you used ‘lies’ correctly either.  Unless you meant that the beast is both terrible in appearance, its appetite, and its ability to tell the truth.

… A beast sits somewhere.  It’s not very nice.  It eats you.  The end.

Tell it again!

Swan First Date

She’s already on the date with you, Albert.  There’s nothing to be worried about. So, come to this pond often? Wtf, Albert–come here often?  Seriously? What, like you want to REMIND her that she’s the hottest water-inclined Avian this side of Haarzuilens? Why don’t you ask her about all her old boyfriends next.  I bet she’d love to relive that incident with Tom, the karseens and–

Oh no, not really.  I’m much more of a sit at home, read a book kind of girl. Flowers are pretty, flowers are pretty.  If you keep thinking of flowers you won’t embarrass yourself.  Flowers are pretty, flowers are pretty…

Oh?  What books?  I just read this great one the other day about a dog who was curious and he liked to go out at night… I can’t remember the name but it was great.  Just great.  You should read it.  I can lend it to you.  It’s great. Oh come ON, you’re killing me you… conscious, speaking self. ‘The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time?’ That wasn’t about a dog you doofus–maybe you’d know that if you’d actually read it rather than buy it just to have it sitting out on the coffee table in case anyone should come by.

Flowers, daisies, petals, roses–did he just ask me about a book?  If I want to borrow a book or he wants to borrow one from me?  Crap why is he talking about books, I don’t want to talk about books… wait.  What was the last thing I said… flowers, flowers, flowers–oh dear I said I like to read.  I do like to read, but he’s not supposed to know that.  No one is supposed to know that, oh no LingLing what have you done! I’d love to. There, nice noncommittal answer, works with almost anything.  Would you like to borrow a book from me?  ‘I’d love to.’  Would you like to have a glass of wine?  ‘I’d love to.’  Would you like to help me throw over the government of Malaysia?  ‘I’d love to.’  I will admit I learned a few valuable lessons on that trip.  Oh Tom, how sad I was to hear about the flesh eating bacteria…

She’d love to what?  Borrow it?  Read it?  Oh god what have I gotten myself into?  I should have listened to the honey badger and tried to think of flowers this whole time.  C-4 photosynthesis.  The star spangled banner. Great. Oh I give up.

Dutch Waldo

Early readers of this blog may remember the origin of Dutch Waldo in this post.

Do you think he’s here?

Who?

Dutch Waldo.

Dutch Waldo is a myth.

No he’s not. My cousin Hans saw him once.

Hans is a drunk and a liar who can’t tell the difference between Nicole Kidman’s arse and Topol. Besides, Dutch Waldo would never be so gauche as to hang out by a canal. Everyone knows that Dutch Waldo is out fighting the good fight, starting fires, and spitting on Nazis.

Dutch Waldo is a busy man.

That he is.

I thought you said he was a myth.

He’s that too.

… Look, I’m not trying to be difficult but it seems to me that you’ve set up a contraindication.

Contradiction?

That too.

Dutch Waldo is a spirit. He’s an idea we pass onto our children when they are in need of something great and good to comfort them in the night while they wait to see if they’ll be kidnapped by Dutch Santa.

Wait, what?

Oh, didn’t you hear? Apparently Dutch people have this totally messed up version of Santa Claus who MIGHT leave presents in your wooden shoes, but also may kidnap you and feed you to his army of ravenous, rabid, cornish hens.

I may have made that last part up.

Proximity

Kasteel de Haar, located a scant twenty miles from the center of Utrecht [citation needed], is one of the oldest non-moving structures in the Netherlands [citation also needed].
The castle, or Kasteel as it were, was first built in the early part of some century preceding this one, on lands given to the de Haar family by Hendrik van Woerden, of the European Woerdens.

The castle was destroyed in 1481 during the conflict between “the Bishop and the city of Utrecht.” The castle was rebuilt, but fell into disrepair during the 18th and 19th century.

The pictures on the left are not from that period.

Owners of the castle include a veritable ‘who’s who’ of wealthy people who have lived, or had any connection with, the vicinity surrounding the castle: Steven van Zuylen, Johan van Zuylen, and Etienne van Zuylen van Nijevelt, who had the very great sense to marry Hélène de Rothschild, of the wealthy Rothschilds.

Etienne restored the castle, hiring the architect Pierre Cuypers who is, according to [citation withheld] “very famous.” Today the castle is visited by tourists from the nearby towns, and is home to many feral swans. On weekends the grounds are occasionally used for fairs and markets.

One other noteworthy–

I’m a kitty!

Little Girl Contemplates Evil

Other things she might be thinking:

You think I don’t see you there?  You think you’re clever Miss ‘Hide Behind the Camera’?  I know who you are and why you’re here and don’t think for a minute that I won’t contact the Scandanavian authorities.  Unnaturally-sized-jukebox smuggling is a serious offense and I won’t stand for it.  I won’t.

You think these two little kids behind me are pushing a baby stroller down the steps?  Think again!  That’s grandma in the seat and I broke both her legs when she wouldn’t give me my Fruit Punch Capri Sun.

You think these two little kids behind me are my brothers?  Think again!  They are highly qualified Ninja assassins and they can be yours for five-hundred easy payments of $29.99.  The Toddler-Ninja program was established in 1653 in Jamestown, VA to combat the ever growing threat of soybean fields.  Todder-Ninjas do not come with Ninja Stars, Ninja Ropes, or Ninja Codes of Ethics.  Toddler-Ninjas should be fed and watered daily.  Do not ignore your Toddler-Ninja as they require constant love and companionship.  It is rumored that Toddler-Ninjas are not actually Ninjas at all.  This is a lie.  Toddler-Ninjas watch you while you sleep.

Ponies.  I like ponies.

The Reformation

Note: Every time I change the blog theme, this post gets messed up re: the placement of photos/text. I am very, very tired of fixing it so I’m going to stop trying. Sorry.

Helen and Harry: the Early Years

Hey, Mister! Throw it!

Throw what?

Seriously?  The thing in your hands!  The ball!  Throw the ball!

This is not a ball.

Okay.  Then throw the thing in your hands that LOOKS like a ball and is a ball and  you won’t throw because you think I can’t hit it, you ignorant sexist prig.

No, really.  It’s not a ball.  It’s the holy hand grenade of Antioch.

Okay.  Then throw the ‘mystical water hand balloon of Antigone’ or whatever else you want to call the little ball you’re holding that I can TOTALLY knock into Belgium because I am just.  that.  good.
Please now.  My arms are getting tired.  Toss it, curve it, wackadoodle-loo it.

One does not throw the holy hand grenade of Antioch!

One does not toss the mystical smiting power of the heavens!

One does not treat the divine apocalyptic wielder of doom as if it were a simple, taunt-able, super happy toy!

Foolish girl, BEHOLD ITS AWESOME, DESTRUCTIVE POWER!!!

Is that… are you… Oh.  I get it.  So you only have one hand now?  Sorry about that use of the plural earlier, I really didn’t know.

Anyway.  Doo-de-doo… how about those Manchest–okay, sorry, I have to ask.  If the thing blew up your hand, why are you still holding it?  In fact, if it blew up your hand shouldn’t it, in fact, be blown up too?  Your story doesn’t really hold water–oh, is that too soon?  Since you know, you must have trouble holding things with just the one–err…

Wow, this is even more awkward than the time I tried to play dodgeball with the Swiss.

Oh.  well, yeah, about that.  Funny story: the thing is…

The thing.  Is.

The thing…

What I mean to say…

What he means to say is he’s a liar, Helen.

Harry lost his hand in the Reformation.

And I lost my face.

Life’s a b****, Harry, suck it up already.

Ha. Ha.  We didn’t lose anything in the Ref.  If anyone is possessed of the Top Secret Holy Hand Grenade of ‘Don’t-touch-this’ Antioch, it’s us.  We.  Whatevs.

Oh?  And how, pray tell, did you avoid the vandals?

We used our combined magics and awesomeness to transmorphosize into sheep.

Baa.

Wait, how is that better?  Don’t people EAT sheep?

Mostly when they’re lambs.  We’ve grown up into high quality shearable wool sheep right here.

Yeah.  And weren’t there four of you earlier?

Baa.

Signs

Everywhere there are signs. Signs tell us where to go, when to wash our hands, whom to marry and how to find Jesus. Without signs we would forget to wait for the doors to open before stepping onto the platform, or not to use babies to pry open the emergency exits while in flight. Humanity’s greatest invention is not the wheel, the internet, or the cardboard things we put around our hot coffee to keep from burning our hands. It is the bit of plastic or wood we fill with instructional phrases and, in the case of non Dutch speaking citizenry, helpful diagrams so that we know that yes, the Thermonuclear Attack has come. Welcome to it. Find your Toto, and do not let him play in the marshes as he has turned radioactive and you’ll need that water for drinking and bartering with the Cubans when they invade the wheat fields.

Adventures in Utrecht Continued: The Ones I May or May Not Have Had

It can be exhausting writing a travel journal. First there’s the traveling. Then there’s the excessive picture taking and the pausing to think of clever phrases one might attribute to the ten thousandth picture of a flower, a drunk unicycling fish or windmill. And finally there’s the forgetting you were writing a travel journal in the first place until you’re reminded at lunch by the one person who actually read the two entries.

There’s also the pressure of having fabulous adventures so that you might write about them. This, I will admit, is the crux of the matter. It’s easy taking pictures. And it’s easy to get a few good ones so long as you refuse to move the camera away from your face. It’s easy to upload, and easy to type on a blog, and it’s way too easy to hit ‘publish’, and to do it too soon. But those are technical matters. What concerns me is the content, the arc. If I were a good blogger I would spin you a tale of heavy sedation and surgery and being mocked in a McDonalds. Maybe even a fish I caught in a lake and accidentally killed in a trowel dredged pond of my own making.

That’s what good journals need: tension and expectation and an illuminating moment of truth. No one wants to hear about your oh-so-sumptuous meal at the restaurant at which you may or may not have seen someone who kinda sorta looked like Nicole Kidman from the back, but may also have been Paul McCartney or Topol–you know, the guy from Fiddler on the Roof which reminds you of the street performer who sang Memories in Spanish but since you don’t know Spanish it may have been another song entirely.

As a little girl I attended many slide show presentations of my grandfather’s numerous fishing trips. As an adult I understand the point of the presentation was to get the whole family together and to drink. Or maybe it was to distract my grandfather for an evening as my grandmother was never quite sure what to do with him when he was home. I loved my grandfather, but 63 pictures of riverbanks and salmon were not, are not, and never will fit my definition of a fun-filled evening. That said, I do still remember a couple of photos. Why?

Grizzly bears.

Foxes.

Grizzly bears.

Dangerous and/or cute and fuzzy animals will always make an impact no matter how many ‘And then I used a wooly worm instead of my usual Royal Wulff and the results were astounding’ stories surround it.

Alas, since I have no pictures of enraged Dutchmen and/or sheep, I am, by process of elimination, doomed to be the woman in a khaki vest droning on about the Day she Went to the Castle. Because Castles? Awesome. Stories about walking ten miles to get to said Castle? Less awesome. Invented story about walking ten miles to the castle in the rain and then zombies showed up? Better but even zombies are a bit passe at this point don’t you think?

And my adventures are over. I was in Utrecht specifically to study, not overthrow the government or battle alien invasions. The coolest thing I did the whole trip was skip out on International Intellectual Property to go see Harry Potter at the IMAX in Amsterdam.

Or maybe it was the United Nations class I missed… I can’t remember.

Anyway, I still have the pictures so I may as well post the better ones.

Here’s the first:

It’s a picture of the bridge where I fought a polar bear. And won.

Adventures in Utrecht Part 2

Yesterday we went to The Hague which like many things in The Netherlands likes the definite article. An odd habit to everyone but Southerners.

Our first stop was the International Criminal Court.

ICC

They must have a pretty wide jurisdiction as there is a velociraptor/tyrannosaurus rex receiving area:

Velociraptor

We were not allowed to take pictures inside. Suffice it to say that there were [redacted]. Which was good since they [redacted] on Tuesdays, plus defendants [redacted]. I know [redacted] would [redacted] if not for [redacted].

After [redacted], we drove to another part of town to have lunch.

Mall

Outside there was a tower of babies.

Babies

After our second session at the ICC we were forcibly kidnapped and taken to the beach. No one wanted to go. Why? Because it was raining. Again.

Rain

We tried to make the best of it.

Umbrella

But really there’s just not too much allure of a beach in the rain.

Pier

Cliffs

Finally after wandering around taking pictures, Wufeng and I headed back to the bus early. Which was locked. So we waited.

Bus Stop

And waited.

Bus Stop 2

And waited.

Bus Stop 3